What if I Don’t Want a Brand New Me

ebay

EBay sent me an email promising a “brand new Safie in 2016.”

I balked. “Do I need replacing?”

“Yes,” was the reply.

“Is nothing worth preserving?” I emailed back. “Could I have a slightly revamped Safie, a replenished Safie, a revitalized Safie, an ‘out of the box but good as new’ Safie, a ‘a few slight scratches but in perfect working order’ Safie.”

“No,” said eBay. “Brand new. It has to be brand new. That’s what people want.”

“But will I still be Safie if I’m brand new?” I asked. “Even if you have somehow created an exact duplicate, if it doesn’t have my personality, my quirks, my memories, even my flaws, will it be me?

“It will be better than you,” it replied.

“And how did you achieve this?” I asked. “Did you clone me? If so, won’t I be a baby still. That might be a little disconcerting for my family. Even my friends might find it a little weird. Especially when it’s my turn to pay the bill.”

“They’ll get used to it,” answered eBay. “People are very adaptable.”

“And what happens to the old me when you’ve installed the replacement? Can I be recycled? Is there some dump, some rest home for people’s discarded selves? Do they sit around reminiscing, slagging of their new selves? Or do they ignore the past and play crazy eights?

“You can sell your old self,” came the response, “on eBay. You have to state that you’re defective, that you’re only suitable for parts and repairs.”

I asked how I should go about getting the brand new me. Would I be expensive?

“Don’t worry,” it answered. “With all the calls and texts and data you use, your purchase will be subsidized. If you sign up to a 24-month contract, you won’t pay anything at all.”

 

I wish you all a peaceful and happy 2016.

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