Facebook, I Don’t Care How Jennifer Aniston Stays Fit

Finally Facebook, you have stopped filling my newsfeed with ads for weight loss pills, liposuction services and botox injections.

I will say, I like Jennifer Aniston. She is a talented person whose abundant acting skills appear to have been trumped by an ability to pick roles in the worst imaginable films. But Facebook, it has taken you an inordinately long time to realize that I have absolutely no interest in how Jennifer Aniston retains her unarguably slim and youthful physique. Nor do I care about the fitness regimes of a whole range of other celebrities, most of whom I’ve never heard of (I mean, do you make these people up?).

Nonetheless, it’s good to know that you have moved on from that kind of lazy demographic targeting. I’m interested, do you use people’s age and gender as the sole deciding factor when choosing targets for these ads, or do you peruse their photographs, trying to figure out who could afford to lose a few pounds?

Having realized that I have no intention of clicking on those ads, ever, you are now intent on making me travel, which is a nice thought, very kind of you. I’d love to spend a week in a four-star hotel in the Maldives. Give me the money to do so, and I’ll get booking straight away.

Also, you are now trying to make me sell things on Facebook, because if I’m online, I might as well, right? To save you any more time and effort in this department, I would like to point out that I will sell things on Facebook when hell freezes over, and since I don’t really believe in hell (appealing though it is to imagine certain well-known geopolitical figures swimming about in the Dantean swamp), that is going to take a hell of a long time to happen.

Excuse that terrible pun, but seriously Facebook, in the words of Father Jack Hackett, “Feck off.”

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